Friday, November 28, 2014

I am Thankful For...

This is my first Thanksgiving since I left the Church and there are many things I’m thankful for:

1- I am thankful that I no longer have to take grooming advice from high councilmen with bad combovers.

2- I am thankful I no longer have to listen to High Priests expound on the locations of ancient Nephite airfields, or describe how dinosaurs are a liberal plot hatched up by atheists and scientists to destroy people’s faith.

3-I am thankful that I no longer have to attend weekly unofficial Republican Party meetings. 

4- I am thankful that I no longer have to wear a baker’s cap for non-baking purposes.

5- I’m thankful that I can ask any questions I want, whenever I want, and I don’t have to worry about how I ask.

6- I am thankful that I no longer have to choose between watching the BYU game or going to stake conference.  Seriously, if you’re so inspired, why are you scheduling stake conference for the same time as the big game?  It’s like you wanted me to lose my testimony.

7- I am thankful that I no longer spend 3 whole hours (feels like an eternity) every Sunday at Church.  Even North Korea’s weekly indoctrination and propaganda meetings are only two hours long.

8- I am thankful that my wife no longer belongs to the Relief Society, the oldest and largest women’s group in the world.  I’m not really sure why it’s called a women’s group.  Men appoint all Relief Society leaders.  Men allocate budgets to the Relief Society.  Men write Relief Society teaching manuals.  Men give assignments to the Relief Society.  It’s a women’s group in the same sense the Playboy Bunnies are a women’s group, only with less lap dancing.    

9- I am thankful for normal underwear, particularly, sexy women’s underwear.  My wife went from a 8 to a 10 just by putting on some “fruit of the loom” stuff from Kmart.  Victoria’s Secret zoomed her up to 12½ and it was no secret that, yes, I was happy to see her.  No wonder many return missionaries are postponing marriage in large numbers.  They know what garments look like.  Put a pair of garments on Kate Upton and she’ll look like an Amish grandmother.

Kate Upton Wearing Garments

10- I am thankful that I no longer have to fight with my kids to go to Church every week.  I don’t understand why they’re not excited to:
  • Go to bed early on Saturday night;
  • Wake up early Sunday morning; 
  •  Dress in uncomfortable clothes; 
  • Go to church (on an empty stomach once a month);
  • Get lectured on the evils of gay marriage; 
  •  Get told stories about God killing nearly everybody (even the children) in a big flood; 
  • Get questioned in depth by middle-aged men about their masturbation habits;
  • Get forced to sit quietly and reverently during an incredibly long Sacrament meeting that usually isn’t oriented towards kids in the slightest, and
  • Come home and spend the rest of the day reading scriptures or writing in their journals. 

11- I’m thankful that when I go to sleep at night, I lay my head on the pillow with a clear conscience.

What are you thankful for?

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