Mormons, You Know This Isn't How the Afterlife Works.

Mormons, you have to know, at least deep down, that your beliefs are insane. Not all of your beliefs. Some of your beliefs are actually quite nice, but then you have other beliefs that are so nonsensical that it's mind-boggling that you actually pretend to believe them.

There is no universe, multiverse, dimension, reality, plane of existence, or any other type of place where it's even remotely possible that when you die and are seeking admission to heaven, or whatever celestial realms may exist in the hereafter, that in order to be admitted you have to know the right passwords and secret handshakes in order to gain entrance.

You're confusing theology with the Calvin & Hobbes No Girls Allowed Club, or maybe a Monty Python sketch. What exactly do you think is going to happen?

You're going to die and be brought to the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and St. Peter is going to be standing guard at the entrance to heaven.

"Name, please," St. Peter will ask.

"Bill Gordon," you'll reply.

"Hmm...I don't see you in my book. What's your date of birth?"

"March 3rd, 1986."

"My, my...most unusual. You're not in my records. No Bill Gordon. No William or Billy, either," says St. Peter. "Is it possible you were adopted?"

"No, no chance at all. I was hoping, but the DNA test said there was no doubt."

"This is most unusual. Were you lost at sea, or maybe vaporized by a volcano? When a body isn't recovered, that can play havoc with our system, you know."

"No", you'll say. "Nothing that exciting. I ate some bad fish".

"Well," St. Peter will say. "I don't know that we can let you in. I better check the manual...let's see...Troubleshooting....OK, Unidentified Applicant Seeking Exaltation, there we go...OK, OK...I see..."

"You're in luck," St. Peter says, "We do have a procedure for this circumstance. Pass the procedure and you may enter into your eternal rest and glory. Fail it, and you will be handed over to Satan, to be buffeted and tormented for all eternity."

"Uh, OK...um, is there a manager I can talk to?", you ask. "I'm not really comfortable with this. Your records seem rather shoddy and there's a lot riding on this."

"NO!" thunders St. Peter, "What do you think we are? Lutherans? There is no manager, there is no appeal, there is just the test...and it begins now....What is the password?"

"Uh...the password?"

"Yes, no more delays! What is the password, and..."

"...and," you ask, feeling a little nauseous.

"What is the password and what is the secret handshake? You have thirty seconds. Your time begins...now!"

Seriously, Latter-Day Saints, this is ridiculous. There is zero chance that this, or anything remotely resembling this, is what happens when you die. You think God can create the universe, and create you, but a simple Excel Spreadsheet is beyond his capabilities?

Or do you think that when you're brought to the gate that you can lie and God won't know you're lying, that he has to have a backup system of passwords and handshakes to determine if you belong in heaven.

Now, all the passwords and secret handshakes are on Youtube, and there are non-Mormons that can watch the videos and learn them. I guess they get a free pass into heaven.

And what about Ex-Mormons? They already know all the passwords and what to say and what to do. What's to stop all those apostate Mormons from waltzing in Heaven and taking over the place?

Get real. We're not ten years old. We all know this isn't how it works.