Mormons, You Know This Isn't How the Afterlife Works.

Mormons, you have to know, at least deep down, that your beliefs are insane. Not all of your beliefs. Some of your beliefs are actually quite nice, but then you have other beliefs that are so nonsensical that it's mind-boggling that you actually pretend to believe them.

There is no universe, multiverse, dimension, reality, plane of existence, or any other type of place where it's even remotely possible that when you die and are seeking admission to heaven, or whatever celestial realms may exist in the hereafter, that in order to be admitted you have to know the right passwords and secret handshakes in order to gain entrance.

You're confusing theology with the Calvin & Hobbes No Girls Allowed Club, or maybe a Monty Python sketch. What exactly do you think is going to happen?

You're going to die and be brought to the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and St. Peter is going to be standing guard at the entrance to heaven.

"Name, please," St. Peter will ask.

"Bill Gordon," you'll reply.

"Hmm...I don't see you in my book. What's your date of birth?"

"March 3rd, 1986."

"My, my...most unusual. You're not in my records. No Bill Gordon. No William or Billy, either," says St. Peter. "Is it possible you were adopted?"

"No, no chance at all. I was hoping, but the DNA test said there was no doubt."

"This is most unusual. Were you lost at sea, or maybe vaporized by a volcano? When a body isn't recovered, that can play havoc with our system, you know."

"No", you'll say. "Nothing that exciting. I ate some bad fish".

"Well," St. Peter will say. "I don't know that we can let you in. I better check the manual...let's see...Troubleshooting....OK, Unidentified Applicant Seeking Exaltation, there we go...OK, OK...I see..."

"You're in luck," St. Peter says, "We do have a procedure for this circumstance. Pass the procedure and you may enter into your eternal rest and glory. Fail it, and you will be handed over to Satan, to be buffeted and tormented for all eternity."

"Uh, OK...um, is there a manager I can talk to?", you ask. "I'm not really comfortable with this. Your records seem rather shoddy and there's a lot riding on this."

"NO!" thunders St. Peter, "What do you think we are? Lutherans? There is no manager, there is no appeal, there is just the test...and it begins now....What is the password?"

"Uh...the password?"

"Yes, no more delays! What is the password, and..."

"...and," you ask, feeling a little nauseous.

"What is the password and what is the secret handshake? You have thirty seconds. Your time begins...now!"

Seriously, Latter-Day Saints, this is ridiculous. There is zero chance that this, or anything remotely resembling this, is what happens when you die. You think God can create the universe, and create you, but a simple Excel Spreadsheet is beyond his capabilities?

Or do you think that when you're brought to the gate that you can lie and God won't know you're lying, that he has to have a backup system of passwords and handshakes to determine if you belong in heaven.

Now, all the passwords and secret handshakes are on Youtube, and there are non-Mormons that can watch the videos and learn them. I guess they get a free pass into heaven.

And what about Ex-Mormons? They already know all the passwords and what to say and what to do. What's to stop all those apostate Mormons from waltzing in Heaven and taking over the place?

Get real. We're not ten years old. We all know this isn't how it works.

Non-Consensual Immorality

I'll tell you what non-consensual immorality really is.

Non-consensual immorality is blessing an infant into the Church. Forcing the child to go to Primary and Church meetings, participate in Family Home Evenings and scripture study. Taking the child up to the pulpit once a month when they're 3 or 4 years old and teaching them to repeat to the congregation that they know that Russel M. Nelson is a prophet and the Book of Mormon is true.

Non-consensual immorality is questioning a teenager about their masturbation habits and making them feel guilty for a normal human behavior. Forcing the youth to go on trek and get baptized for dead people. Teaching girls how to cook and clean at YW meetings while the boys are off shooting rifles and riding ATVs.

Non-consensual immorality is forcing a young man to go on a mission and ostracizing him, guilting him, or refusing to pay for college if he doesn't.

Non-consensual immorality is teaching young couples to have as many children as they can, regardless of their ability to parent or provide for those children. Regardless of whether they have finished college or obtained work skills, regardless of whether they even want children in the first place.

Non-consensual immorality is brainwashing a person to pay 10% of their income so the Church can build luxury malls and buy expensive chandeliers for temples. For telling them that unless they fork over the dough, they are separated from God and are unclean. That unless they pay, they can't be with their loved ones forever. Telling them to pay their tithing instead of buying food for their children.

Non-consensual immorality is teaching women that they are equal, valued and honored, then placing them in a system where they aren't equal, valued or honored. A system where men assign their positions, tell them what to do, set their budgets, and occasionally let them say a prayer or speak at conference.

Non-consensual immorality is going to other lands and amidst other cultures and telling them they got it all wrong and they need to change their beliefs, habits and ways. That they need to subjugate themselves to the white Americans who will teach them to get closer to the divine through obedience and monetary offerings.

Non-consensual immorality forcing a spouse that has shaken off the shackles of brain washing to keep attending and to pretend they believe, for fear of losing their wife or husband, children, community, and/or job.

Non-consensual immorality is telling a LGBT person that there is something wrong with them. For encouraging them to marry a partner of the opposite sex. For encouraging them to procreate in an unstable situation. For blaming them when an untenable situation disintegrates.

Non-consensual immorality is lying, gaslighting, denying, obfuscating, hiding, excusing and minimizing unsavory aspects of Church history and doctrine.

Non-consensual immorality is teaching spouses, children, parents, friends and neighbors that if a person disbelieves the Church, then that person is evil, addicted to porn, or wants to sin.

Non-consensual immorality is ignoring, neglecting, shaming, and blaming victims of abuse. Excusing and protecting their abusers. Setting up a system that grooms potential victims by teaching them unwavering obedience and respect to Church leaders and then placing them in circumstances that allow them to be victimized.

Non-consensual immorality is settling with such victims who have evidence or are too vocal about the abuse they have taken, but requiring iron-clad Non-Disclosure Agreements so victims can't talk about what happened to them, throwing the dark deeds done into the shadows, preventing victims from warning others and denying the unsuspecting faithful masses the information needed in order to protect themselves and their children.

Non-consensual immorality is tearing apart families, alienating the affections of loved ones, and ostracizing people who don't bow down to their Mormon overlords, all so 15 con men in Salt Lake City can build Luxury Malls, live in fancy homes, drive or be chauffered in nice cars, get their children and grand-children free education, receive excellent health care, own nice vacation homes, and bask in the adulation of adoring throngs who worship them and wait endlessly for them to drop them some crumbs from the table.

This is what non-consensual immorality really is.