My Post-Mormon New Year's Resolutions

My original post on this blog, You Can Leave the Church, but the Church Can't Leave You Alone, caused some offense among some Mormon readers.  My goal in writing it wasn't to cause irritation, but rather to give Mormons some insight as to how we Post Mormons, Ex-Mormons, Former Mormons and Doubting Mormons feel.

Basically, I want my Mormon family, friends and neighbors to respect my boundaries.  It seems like such a one way street in favor of Mormons.  They can post Mormon quotes and information all day long on Facebook, but when we post something related to our current beliefs, even if it's relatively innocent, it's common for them to jump all over us and make horrible accusations.  Our family can call us Sons of Perdition and tell us that we're deceived by Satan, and we're somehow supposed to not be offended.

A friend of mine, who means well, but is clueless, gave me a nice Christmas gift a few days ago; a copy of the new Teachings of the Presidents of the Church manual, featuring the teachings of Ezra Taft Benson.  When he gave it to me, he told me he had prayed about it and he feels impressed to tell me that I should read, study and apply Lesson No. 18; Beware of Pride.

I inwardly rolled my eyes when he gave it to me, but I accepted it politely.  No doubt he thinks he's doing a good thing that could help me; however, if I went over to his house and gave him signed copy of What to do When Satan has Deceived You and You've Become a Mormon and suggested he read Chapter No. 3; Start Using the Brain Nature (or God) Gave You, I think the poop would hit the fan and he would be greatly offended.

How is that any different from what he did?  Or what our Mormon friends do to us on a regular basis?  Ironically, he accuses me of being prideful, yet he's the one knocking on my door to tell me what I should think.  Apparently he has it all figured out.

I would like boundaries to be respected, and I'm willing to respect Mormon boundaries in return.  To that end, I have created a list of New Years resolutions, that I promise to follow if Mormons will start respecting boundaries.

1- I promise not to invite my children's friends over to watch The Godmakers on my big screen TV, nor will I serve refreshments when doing so.

2- I promise not to hire Grant Palmer to provide the entertainment at my daughter's next birthday party, even though it would be awesome.

3- At next year's Trunk or Treat event, I promise not to attend dressed up as Joseph Smith, with my wife costumed as Emma, and my young daughter dressed as "not quite 15 year-old" Fanny Alger, nor will I have my son put on a wig and a dress just so I can add a very masculine Helen Mar Kimball to my entourage.

4- I promise not to make and distribute Post-Mormon Pass Along cards.

5- I promise not to place Mormon Think decals on the sides of my son's Pinewood Derby car.

6- If invited to a Church dinner, I promise I will not assume it's BYOB.

7- If you come to my house for dinner, I promise I won't spike the gravy with Dr. Pepper.

8- I promise I won't visit the Church parking lot during Sacrament Meeting and place Gay Pride bumper stickers on all the cars.

9- I promise not to dine and dash on the missionaries when I take them out to dinner.

10- I promise not to put Ex-Lax in to the chocolate chip cookies I donate to the Young Women's bake sale.

11- When being introduced to a Mormon couple for the first time, I promise not to ask the husband what number wife she is.

12- I promise I will not respond to questions from Mormons by quoting anything from the temple ceremony.

13- I promise not to offer sarcastic condolences when a Mormon woman gives birth to a girl.

14- When I bump into Mormons buying beer at the convenience store, I promise that I'll pretend not to notice, instead of trying to high-five them while saying loudly, "Dude, where's the party?"

15- I promise not to bow and address the Bishop as "Your Eminence" when I bump into him at the grocery store.

16- I promise  not to attach a copy of Letter to a CES Director to the ward bulletin board when nobody is looking.

17- I promise I won't worship any graven images of Donny Osmond.

18- I promise I won't send proxy resignation letters to Church headquarters on behalf of my Mormon acquaintances.

19- I promise that I won't bribe a Priest to spike the sacrament water with Viagra.

20- I promise not to marry any of my Mormon friend's daughters, unless I am single and they are over eighteen years of age.

21- I promise that I won't hide a whoopee cushion under the Relief Society President's chair.

22- I promise that I won't put beer, porn mags or a live, wild squirrel into the missionaries' apartment.  The missionaries in my area keep their door unlocked and I have actually considered doing this, but I'm too nice, or too wimpy, to actually do it.  Maybe if Mike Norton ever comes to visit...

23- I promise not to surreptitiously dump bubble bath soap into the baptism font prior to a baptismal service.

If you have any similar resolutions, please share them.

You Might Be a Post-Mormon if...

With thanks to Jeff Foxworthy, whom I have blatantly ripped off for the concept of this post, I present the top reasons that indicate you might be a Post-Mormon.

1- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You graduated college before you bought your first bikini.

2- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're not a zoologist and you don't live in South America, yet you know what a tapir is.

3- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You have a closet full of suits and ties and you only wear them at funerals.

4- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're having much better sex now, than you were a year ago.

5- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You know what the word "polyandry" means.

6- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You have a greater than average understanding of Egyptology, but you're not a college professor.

7- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You have more than one Facebook account.

8- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You can't discuss religion with your family or childhood friends.

9- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
At Starbucks, you have to ask the teenage barista to recommend  something, because the only thing you know how to order is hot chocolate.

10- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You feel like you're naked, and everybody is staring at you, when you wear a sleeveless shirt in public.


11- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You no longer feel guilty when you masturbate.

12- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You go to a nice restaurant, and you have no idea whether red wine or white wine will complement the meal you order.

13- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You get stressed out when your children turn eight.

14- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You go to Walmart to buy underwear, and you're confused about how to do it.

15- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You recently started a blog and you write frequent, outraged posts.

16- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You think the word "church" is a proper noun.

17- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
Sleeping in on Sunday somehow seems more satisfying than sleeping in on Saturday.

18- You might be a Post-Mormon if...

Your weekends seem so much funner and more relaxing than they ever did before.

19- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You sometimes feel anxious or angry when people unexpectedly show up at your door with cookies.

20- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're not a Historian, but you're fascinated with history.

21- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You enjoy cooking, but have no idea how to use alcohol as a cooking ingredient.

22- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're not a carpenter or an architect, but you know what a compass and a square are.

23- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
Shoulders turn you on just as much as boobs do.

24- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
Your family thinks you're an alcoholic because you enjoy an occasional drink after dinner.

25 (from David Murdock)- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You aren't invited to the wedding of your child, but are expected to pay for the reception and pose for pictures in front of the temple after the wedding.

26 (from D. Darby)- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You bump into your neighbors at the store and they tell you they miss you.

27 (from David E. Simmons)- You might be a Post-Mormon if... 
You suddenly have three times the discretionary income, four times the discretionary time and only one fourth your normal discretion.

Let me know if you think of any other things that indicate you might be a Post-Mormon.