Mormons, you have to know, at least
deep down, that your beliefs are insane. Not all of your beliefs. Some of your
beliefs are actually quite nice, but then you have other beliefs that are so
nonsensical that it's mind-boggling that you actually pretend to believe them.
There is no universe, multiverse,
dimension, reality, plane of existence, or any other type of place where it's
even remotely possible that when you die and are seeking admission to heaven,
or whatever celestial realms may exist in the hereafter, that in order to be
admitted you have to know the right passwords and secret handshakes in order to
gain entrance.
You're confusing theology with the
Calvin & Hobbes No Girls Allowed Club, or maybe a Monty Python sketch. What
exactly do you think is going to happen?
You're going to die and be brought
to the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and St. Peter is going to be standing guard at
the entrance to heaven.
"Name, please," St. Peter
will ask.
"Bill Gordon," you'll
reply.
"Hmm...I don't see you in my book.
What's your date of birth?"
"March 3rd, 1986."
"My, my...most unusual. You're
not in my records. No Bill Gordon. No William or Billy, either," says St.
Peter. "Is it possible you were adopted?"
"No, no chance at all. I was
hoping, but the DNA test said there was no doubt."
"This is most unusual. Were you
lost at sea, or maybe vaporized by a volcano? When a body isn't recovered, that
can play havoc with our system, you know."
"No", you'll say.
"Nothing that exciting. I ate some bad fish".
"Well," St. Peter will
say. "I don't know that we can let you in. I better check the
manual...let's see...Troubleshooting....OK, Unidentified Applicant Seeking
Exaltation, there we go...OK, OK...I see..."
"You're in luck," St.
Peter says, "We do have a procedure for this circumstance. Pass the
procedure and you may enter into your eternal rest and glory. Fail it, and you
will be handed over to Satan, to be buffeted and tormented for all
eternity."
"Uh, OK...um, is there a manager
I can talk to?", you ask. "I'm not really comfortable with this. Your
records seem rather shoddy and there's a lot riding on this."
"NO!" thunders St. Peter,
"What do you think we are? Lutherans? There is no manager, there is no
appeal, there is just the test...and it begins now....What is the
password?"
"Uh...the password?"
"Yes, no more delays! What is
the password, and..."
"...and," you ask, feeling
a little nauseous.
"What is the password and what
is the secret handshake? You have thirty seconds. Your time begins...now!"
Seriously, Latter-Day Saints, this
is ridiculous. There is zero chance that this, or anything remotely resembling
this, is what happens when you die. You think God can create the universe, and
create you, but a simple Excel Spreadsheet is beyond his capabilities?
Or do you think that when you're
brought to the gate that you can lie and God won't know you're lying, that he
has to have a backup system of passwords and handshakes to determine if you
belong in heaven.
Now,
all the passwords and secret handshakes are on Youtube, and there are
non-Mormons that can watch the videos and learn them. I guess they get a free
pass into heaven.
And what about Ex-Mormons? They
already know all the passwords and what to say and what to do. What's to stop
all those apostate Mormons from waltzing in Heaven and taking over the place?
Get real. We're not ten years old.
We all know this isn't how it works.